The Irascible ProfessorSM


Irreverent Commentary on the State of Education in America Today

by Dr. Mark H. Shapiro
"Like everything metaphysical the harmony between thought and reality is to be found in the grammar of the language."....  ...Ludwig Wittgenstein.
 

Commentary of the Day - May 17, 2002:  Waiting for a Better Excuse (or Fear of the Run-on Sentence).   Guest Commentary by Felice Prager.

Dear Mrs. Prager,

I know you told us to go home yesterday and study the homonym and most commonly mixed up word list for a test today which was going to count for twenty-five percent of our grade this marking period and I had every intention of doing just that because you know how much I think about good grades and doing well so I can go to college and make something of myself and feel good about myself and make my parents proud of me so I got home and had some water and some carrot sticks because I am on a diet and I walked right past the chocolate cake that my mother made for my aunt's birthday and then I went into my bedroom to start studying because I really needed to because the whole list was so confusing and like I said I wanted to get a really good grade so I opened my notebook to the pages with the notes I took in class when you explained each of the homonyms and commonly mixed up words and I read the first one which was desert/dessert and I remembered what you said about the one you eat having two S's like two servings and I closed my eyes to force it into my head so I wouldn't forget it on the big test and all I could think about was not desert/dessert but the chocolate cake which my mother made for my aunt's birthday which I passed in the kitchen when I got my carrot sticks and water and I opened my eyes and I sat there sweating and breathing heavy because I didn't want to eat but I really wanted to eat some chocolate cake and I decided to go on to the next one on your list which was weight/wait and I knew the one with eight in it said how many pounds I wanted to lose so I closed my eyes to force it into my head and all I saw was the chocolate cake which my mother made for my aunt's birthday so I opened my eyes and I was sweating real hard now so I went to the next one which was waste/waist and I remembered you told us to make up tricks that work for us when we're trying to remember things and I looked at waste/waist and saw the little "i" in the middle of the one which meant the middle of my body kind of waist and wondered if I could lose enough weight so I could have a tiny tiny waist and I closed my eyes to try to force waste/waist into my head and there waiting for me in my brain was that chocolate cake dessert that my mother made for my aunt's birthday which made me stop forcing things into my head earlier when I was trying to remember desert/dessert and weight/wait and I opened my eyes real quick so I wouldn't think about the chocolate cake again that my mother made for my aunt's birthday and my mother makes the best chocolate cake and it's hard not to think about it when she makes it and the smell of her chocolate cake is all around the house and I looked at the list once again so I would get a good grade on the test and found the fourth set was their/there/they're and I looked at the examples I wrote to remember how to tell them apart and the first sentence example was "They brought their lunch" which made me think about supper because I skipped lunch and all I had since I had the Slim Shake for breakfast was the water and carrot sticks I had when I got home and THEY'RE not enough to fill anyone up so I started to sweat and shake and I went to the kitchen to have just one more carrot stick and some water and I couldn't help it because I swear a force greater than myself just took over my hand and forced me to drag my finger across the chocolate frosting and I sucked it off and then I fixed the mess I made with the frosting and I also grabbed a cookie on the way out of the kitchen which was the official way of me ending the diet and this made me sweat and feel horrible about myself because I didn't really want to end the diet and I did really want a thin waist/waste and I wanted to lose weight/wait more than anything in the world except maybe doing well on your test and I couldn't stop thinking of the chocolate cake that my mother made for/four dessert/desert because it was my aunt's/ant's birthday and she was coming to/too/two dinner at our/hour house in an hour/our and now the cake was messed up and I broke my diet and I was all sorts of depressed and I started to cry and I fell asleep and the next thing I knew/new was my mother was waking me up for my aunt's/ant's party and we stayed up really late celebrating with my aunt/ant so/sew I/eye never got to finish the studying and I/eye hope you/ewe can find it in your/you're/yore heart to give me another day to/two/too study because I/eye know/no I/eye can pass if you/ewe give me another chance oh please oh please and I/eye stay out of the kitchen and stop thinking about the chocolate cake that my mother made for my aunt's/ant's  birthday.  Oh please, oh please say yes, oh please.  You don't know/no how it would/wood make a difference to my grade and my parents wouldn't get mad at me and I/eye wouldn't lose my phone and my parents wouldn't get on my case about being lazy and talking on the phone too/to/two much and daydreaming and sleeping my life away and everything would/wood be/bee nice and all and I/eye know/no you/ewe will say yes because you/ewe are my favorite teacher I/eye ever had ever for/four/fore always and always I/eye swear.

From your/you're/yore favorite student,
Kimberly Heather Jennifer Melissa Crystal Sunshine Smith
 

©2002 Felice Prager
___________________________________________
Felice Prager is a freelance writer from Scottsdale, Arizona. Her work has appeared in international, national, and local publications, as well as many Ezines.  Email: SurfPrincessAZ@aol.com   Web site: WRITE FUNNY! at http://www.writefunny.com

The IP has published two previous articles by Ms. Prager.  "Kewl Ur Jets! This Ain't School" holds the record for the most popular guest commentary of the year so far.

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